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June 2005
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Home » Archives » June 2005 » Phone fundraising

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06/13/2005: "Phone fundraising"

music: calliope circus music
mood: ironic

I am so ashamed. I was laid off as a professional telephone fund raiser. I thought I had done well, but I guess I didn't badger widows and heart attack victims like I should have so they let me go. I was getting into the talking to strangers who didn't want to talk to me, but I guess I want vengeance now.
All telemarketers should be rounded up into a big pen, where there are no phones, so no one can be bothered by their inane pitches again.
What did me in was that I was reluctant to use their dubious statistics. Since they rely on emotion to raise their funds, they must realize that few will question their data, and most who would hang up on the callers before they can get into the big pitch, much less the rebuttal. For example: "Did you know that 1 out of 8 people will be involved in a fire in their life?" Sounds scary, but I think they must count bacon fires put out in ten seconds, for which there must be twenty thousand for every raging inferno that actually threatens a life. God forbid I should be burned for my skepticism, but I'm sure glad they let me go. Now I can do something more honest: paid assassin. Hahahahahahahaha...just kidding.
I could never do that. To kill for something as arbitrary and ultimately worthless as money offends my senses. So I'll just hone my musical act, finish my screenplay, and find the money to produce it myself.
If you've been reading, it will be a public service fantasy, a new genre for the new age. Cool, and sweet. Also fabulous, collassal and stupendous. Only $75,000 and it's a big hit for sure. Then when I get called up for a donation I'll pretend I don't speak English. Now that's cool.

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